In March of 2018 my husband Tyler and I will be welcoming our first child into the world. To say that we are excited would be an understatement, and I don’t think there is a word strong enough to describe just how elated we are.
However, from time to time, and not so frequently anymore, I find myself feeling incredibly scared. For those who don’t know, Tyler and I found out we had lost our first baby on February 7th, 2014.
To this day I don’t feel it is something I have completely moved on from. While I know that there are couples who have gone through situations far more traumatizing than ours, it was still OUR situation.
It was something that kept me from wanting to try for children for the next 3 years.
However, in June, God gave me a little nudge down this path without my knowledge. One day, something greater than my fears decided “it’s time for you to stop being scared” and just like that (with a little assistance from a U2 concert in Cleveland that took Tyler away from me for 4 long days, ayyyyy) we were pregnant.
It has been hard for me to shake certain feelings though and at times the worry and fear I have during this pregnancy take away from the joy.
1. Something is going to go wrong
I keep reminding myself that a miscarriage is a common occurrence, but if it’s so common who’s to say it won’t happen to me again? Why did it happen the first time? Everything happening in my body right now seems so fragile and easily put off track and that terrifies me.
2. Something is wrong
Most days I have major food aversion, nausea, exhaustion (like, imagine you haven’t slept in 3 days) and recently, headaches. Then I will have a day or two where I feel nothing at all. I have energy, I don’t feel sick, I have an appetite, the works! While most would kick back and take advantage of these glorious moments, I react differently. I panic. “Why don’t I feel sick any more?”, “This is what happened last time, I just stopped feeling pregnant!”.
3. It’s probably going to happen again
I hear stories about women who miscarry at like, 6 months along. What makes me think that won’t happen to me? I am sure those women thought it wouldn’t happen to them!
4. If it happens again, is something wrong with me?
I think I am more afraid of the “what if’s”. If this were to happen a second time, at what point do the Doctors start to think something could be wrong with me? What if something is wrong with me?
5. Why can’t I go to the doctor once a week?
Life would just be so much easier if I could check in on the baby once a week, waiting 4 weeks between appointments is literally sucking the life from my soul.
6. “I can’t do this.”
When we went to our first Doctor’s appointment on July 31st I knew we would get to hear the heartbeat. Rewind a little, on February 7th, 2014, we were told the same exact thing. Only that time, there was no heartbeat to be found and our world stopped spinning. So you can imagine that this time when they took us back to the ultrasound room, lubed up my tummy, and turned off the lights, I stopped breathing. In my entire life, I have never felt more afraid. Out loud and in front of the ultrasound tech, I looked at my husband and said, “I can’t do this”. As he usually does in moments like this, he smiled at me and mouthed “it’s okay”. Tyler is very good at putting my feelings first even at the expense of masking his own. In this situation, I was happy he did.
But then there it was. The loud, clear, and (as the ultrasound tech put it) perfect heartbeat of our little baby.
Miscarriage. It’s not talked about enough and that’s why it’s so scary for women when it happens to them. 1 in 3 women have a miscarriage and before I knew that statistic, I thought I was 1 in 1000 and that something was terribly wrong with me. This terrible and often unexplained loss is common yet something that will forever shape the mindset of a Mom-to-be.
Every day gets a bit easier. From time to time, I still find myself wondering about the next few months, curious if everything is going to be okay.
For now, we’re going to enjoy watching this little nugget grow. I am trying not to wish time away but March cannot get here soon enough.
Right now, life is perfect.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.